So disappointed

Have been having arguments with my husband.  Hence why we didn’t celebrate my birthday this year. When it came time to his birthday, I told him I’m taking him to an amusement park (we have never been there before) so we can have some fun and spend some quality time together. I told him I wanted to create some happy memories.  He seemed excited enough, and suggested that it be a day we celebrate both our birthdays since we were arguing during mine.

But then the day came and he said he had a stomach ache so we postponed it to this week. Today, we woke up and he told me that he actually he didn’t want to go and just didn’t tell me before. He felt that he wasn’t into lining up for things and being around crowds. He said I should have known him better. He said that amusement parks were for kids and young people and we were too old to go to these things.

I had been looking forward to this day for 2 weeks.  Last Thursday, I told him that I wished it was the weekend so we could be at the amusement park. Yesterday, I did some work at night time so I could get away today without doing any work. Then I was so excited all night I couldn’t fall asleep until 5am.  When I woke up at 9am, I was tired but totally ready to go until I heard the news.

I had never heard of anyone who didn’t like to go to an amusement park – they have lots of entertainment shows, water shows (with seals etc), roller-coaster/water rides, a zoo section, interesting exhibits, beautiful gardens, cable car, aquarium, games section etc etc I feel sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo disappointed. I cannot imagine any more disappointment right now.

 

Loser on Earth . Hero in Heaven.

We are all vulnerable in one way or the other. We have our strengths and our weaknesses. This is the way God made us – we all have different special gifts. If we were all the same it would be a little boring, right?

Not everyone on Earth looks at us with love, admiration and respect. Even if we try hard to be accepted in society, we may still be lonely. It is ok. Because it doesn’t matter what people on Earth see in us – we can be homeless, drug addict, a loner, an outcast at school or work, quirky or whatever name you want to be called. We are different to those who call us those names. And that’s okay too.

What matters is what God sees in us. We should live by God’s moral and ethical guidelines. Can you do it? Would you suffer for it? Would you do what is right if you knew that you could possibly lose your job, or your health or your family? Sometimes life is not fair but we should go with what is right. Be comforted by God’s words that he will reward us in heaven. So do what is right by you and not what is right by others.

Stress

Okay I’m stressed. It’s hard to relax. I sleep well but in my waking hours my mind keeps worrying about work related matters.

I wonder how other people do it? How do you pause time and have enough time to do all your work? There aren’t enough hours in the day. I do yoga so during my yoga session I feel relaxed. Then afterwards, I’m all stressed again.

It’s a weekend, so I’m spending Saturday with my family. But I am thinking of work…. Can’t seem to get my mind off stuff.

Will have to work tomorrow. I dont get overtime. Im in professional services. Big consequences if I do my job wrong.

Anyone have any tips?

Being a mum

Ok so I’ve thought a lot about becoming a mum. I think I would make a great mum. I love kids so much! I have babysat many times before so I’m not worried about the crying, changing nappies or the late nights etc in fact, I’m confident I can physically care for my child very well. I am quite patient with kids.

But I must say, I am worried about the pregnancy process. Will it be painful giving birth? What would it be like having an epidural vs not having one? What if I need to go into emergency cesarean? Will sex be the same again? Lol and many more questions. I am sure it will be fine but I’m still curious to know. Haha

Then after the baby is born, I worry about their health a lot. I worry about my child’s psychological health in particular. I know so many people, including myself and my hubby, who has a parent that has some kind of a personality disorder.

Like my dad who is a narcissist. He is always arguing with people and thinking he is special and entitled to everything. He always has to be right. This has shaped me into a person who likes to please others because I am so used to trying to please my dad so as not to cause him to get angry at me or other people. To make him be happy.

My hubby’s mum uses the guilt treatment or anger as a weapon to make him do what she wants. For example, she would yell and over punish him for small things when he was little to teach him lessons. She meant well. But this caused him to fear her so if he doesn’t do as she says now even as an adult, he feels fear subconsciously. She will be angry at him for weeks without speaking to him sometimes. Then she makes him feel guilty for being a bad son. It’s a bad cycle.

When I see these things happening, it makes me want to learn more about psychology. What I say and do to my child will affect them for life. I cannot let them see me argue with their dad on the odd occassions. I feel a lot of pressure. I want to be a good role model. I want my child to be assertive and stand up for themselves yet at the same time be humble and polite to others. To put pride and arrogance to one side and instead show love and respect to everyone. To see me as their friend and not just as mum. To share secrets with me. To communicate regularly with me. To share hugs with me.

I really look forward to the day that I meet my baby for the first time. It will be like meeting God because God is who would have brought him or her into this world. I hope I’ll make a really good mum and a best friend.

Aggression

I have always been a submissive type of person. It’s not that I don’t have confidence, but I believe in respecting elders and those of a more senior position than myself. However, over the years I have changed my ways. I realised that just because I am younger, it does not mean that I cannot speak up and give a good opinion. In fact, I recognised that I may even have a better suggestion than someone who may have more experience than I do.  Everyone can give their thoughts on a topic.

When I was submissive, I was a ‘yes’ man. But as I have changed over the years, I have learnt that it is okay to be equals with others in the workplace  even though I am younger in age. I now know I have things to offer that others may not. Most recently, I have been working with a lady who is very aggressive. I could not understand why I could not get answers to my questions, but instead she would repeatedly tell me that she had already answered them. She would become frustrated at me for asking more questions because I still did not have an answer, and then I would get frustrated because she would become aggressive. It was as if we were going around in circles.

Finally, it occurred to me that she did not have the answer. In fact, she didn’t even understand my questions. She was being defensive as she felt challenged and threatened. That is why she was being aggressive.  Aggression is “behavior which is intended to increase the social dominance of the organism relative to the dominance position of other organisms.” After I found this out, I looked around and noticed that many people are like this! I also noticed that such aggression doesn’t get them anywhere. In fact, it slows down the communication process because the aggression gets in the way and they do not end up getting what they want.

Occupations

I just wanted to take some time out to say how much I appreciate those people who are in jobs that are very emotional. Jobs that require them to show empathy to others. Those that require them to stay balanced emotionally because if they fall apart, they are not able to do their jobs properly.

These are people like doctors and nurses – they need to stay emotionally sane if someone passes away, because if they break into tears, it will be even harder for the friends and families of the deceased. They show so much empathy but they are still human. They may still cry when they have a moment to themselves when they get home or in bed ready to fall asleep.

But I only just realized that there are many other occupations that are very emotional.  Jobs like immigration officers who have to help citizens during tough times, such as traveling overseas to bring back a corpse and comforting the family members. Or traveling to a country where a natural disaster has just occurred to help distressed people and bring citizens home.

Thank you God for such people in this world. They make it a better place.

Values – personal reflection

In the last year or two, I have been working hard to get to know myself better. It never occurred to me before then that I really didn’t know myself well, because I had never made the effort. I mean, who would have thought that someone wouldn’t know themselves well right? Well I am not talking about knowing what I like or dislike, such as my favorite food or colours etc I mean asking myself why I do certain things or make certain decisions.

Some questions were, “why do I feel so uncomfortable with confrontation?”, or “why do I feel the need to please others and forget to take care of myself or my husband?”

After a lot of soul searching, I found my answer. It’s really quite simple – it all comes down to my values. This is true for everyone. We all subconsciously weigh up different values and put importance on some more than others. These values are what shape who we are. Once we understand our value system or someone else’s value system, we will understand what drives our/their behavior.

For example, if I value money and power over integrity, then I would be doing things like stepping on other people’s toes to try and get up the corporate ladder. Or for example, if I value politeness over quality time with my children, I might end up spending more time with friends for the sake of being polite and not turning down their invitations to go out for drinks, rather than spending more time with my kids.

Now that I have found myself, so to speak, I am trying the hard task of adjusting my values to what I think would be more ideal. Like trying to be more assertive to turn things down and not feel the need to please others – that way, I get more time to spend with my family which should be my priority.